Editor’s note: While in China, Hesh overheard (so he says) the following conversation between the Mayor of Average Town China and his chief of staff (COS).

Mayor: Why don't American business leaders and politicians visit our city? Every day I read of another American trade group visiting other cities in China, yet none come here.

COS: Your Excellency, all you need to do is invite them and they will show up. Whom would you like to invite?

Mayor: How about the mayor of Los Angeles or San Francisco?

COS: I’m sorry, they are booked solid in the big cities, like we are in Shanghai and Beijing. We are, to use an American baseball analogy, a minor league town; we need to invite similar sized American cities.

Mayor: Do you think they would come? (His bravado was gone and he sounded like a shy teenager asking a girl out for a date).

COS: Yes, who would you like to invite?

Mayor: I was thinking of some of the American TV shows I like to watch: CSI-Miami or Las Vegas?

COS: Too big.

Mayor: Disneyworld?

COS: It’s not a real place.

Mayor: What do you mean? I have pictures of my grandkids there.

COS: It is a real place, but not a real city. It’s a vacation destination.

Mayor: Like Las Vegas?

COS: No, that really is a real city.

Mayor: I'm confused. I like to watch Homer Simpson on TV. Let's invite the mayor of Springfield?

COS: Which one?

Mayor: How many are there?

COS: Let me Google it for you. I'll exclude townships and counties. There are Springfields in Georgia, Illinois, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, New Jersey, Ohio, Oregon, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia, and Wisconsin.

Mayor: Invite them all!

COS: You don’t understand. If we invite them, they will all come.

Mayor: Good! We will need only one Welcome Springfield banner.

COS: But then you will have to reciprocate and visit all the Springfields in the USA.

Mayor: That would be fun.

COS: Your political opponents will ask why are you gallivanting around the USA when we have potholes that need to be filled here at home?

Mayor: Did you forget? This is still communist China; I don't have any political opponents. What do we need to do to prepare for our American visitors?

COS: The mayors will not come alone. They travel with an entourage.

Mayor: With a posse? Like American basketball stars?

COS: Yes, there will the president of the Chamber of Commerce, one county economic development officer, two state trade representatives, a professor of Chinese literature from a local college, and a business owner who is looking for a Chinese factory that can build inexpensive plastic tubing.

Mayor: Do you think they would settle for a rice brewery owned by my son-in-law?

COS: Yes, as long as it looks good for the cameras. Each mayor travels with a TV crew to get the local angle.

Mayor: You mean I'll be interviewed by one of those lovely 25-year-old American blond beauties?

COS: Yes, but remember, they are professional journalists, so act professionally. And you will have to invite each mayor and his posse to your home for a ceremonial tea offering.

Mayor: My wife is not gong to be happy about that. Can't I just take them to the mall and order them each a McDonald's breakfast tray?

COS: Won't work.

Mayor: This could get complicated and involve a lot of work. Remind me--why am I doing this?

COS: To impress your fellow mayors at the next regional golf outing.

Mayor: Maybe I should invite just one mayor of Springfield. Which one best represents all the Springfield's in the USA?

COS: That's easy: Homer Simpson's Springfield.

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