I sent my wife the following e-mail. (I was too scared to tell her face to face).

Honey,

We've crunched all the numbers, and the results always come out the same way; we can't afford to retire. Or more specifically, we can't afford for you to retire. Since I have already retired, and we can't undo that, you'll have to work five more years.

When I took early retirement a few years ago the stock market looked like it would be a great place to put most of our savings. Well Herb (our financial advisor) told me we put too much faith in equities. Now, we just do not have enough money saved for you to take early retirement.

We really don't have any other options. True, I could go back to work. But there really is no longer a demand for middle managers like me. The best I could do is work at Wal-Mart. And knowing of your concern for our social status, it is something you just would not want to see. Imagine your sister spotting me in one of those blue smocks. I bet she would take a picture via her cell phone and send it to your mom in the nursing home, just to embarrass me.

So it is the luck of the draw. If you had retired first, it would be me postponing my retirement.

Your devoted husband,

I pushed the send button and waited. I did not have to wait long. The response:

My devoted husband,

I hear Wal-Mart pays time and a half for overtime. You should plan on working a lot of overtime, better yet, sign up for double shifts.
PS: My mother warned me that you wouldn't take care of me.
Your overworked and under-appreciated wife.

I called Herb and asked him to intervene. He sent Sue the following e-mail and copied me.

Sue, I will not take sides. I can only review the facts as I see them.
Five years ago the market was at its height, all the scenarios look rosy. And yes I advised Hesh, at the time, to take an early retirement buy-out. Unfortunately, the market tanked and with it your opportunity to take early retirement this year. The numbers just don't work.

I would be happy to sit down with you and review our initial projections and where they went off kilter.

Your faithful advisor,

Sue answered and cc'ed me.

Herb,

I remember when you could not pass the CPA exam and wondered how you would make a living. You've become a wealthy wealth advisor and we've become two poorly advised clients.

PS: Hesh, I just signed the papers to start my retirement in 90 days. You have a problem.

That night over dinner, I said nothing. Sue broke the silence.

"I know if I wait for you to solve our problem, I will be dead and buried." She said,"I've done my research and figured we need to invest in hedge funds.

"Hedge funds?" I asked in bewilderment. "You were upset when we put too much in equities and lost money during the last five years. How can we add even more risk?"

"Hesh, as usual you've got it wrong." She was lecturing me now. "Hedge funds are uncorrelated with traditional asset classes. Therefore the overall volatility of our portfolio should decrease and will provide significant diversification benefits to our portfolio. If the Harvard endowment and George Soros can do it, so can we."

She was sounding like Herb but only more intelligible. I wondered how she had learned about hedge funds, but I was afraid to ask. She was on a roll.

I called Herb. He counseled against hedge funds. However, I saw the choices very clearly: hedge fund vs. Wall-Mart. I voted for hedge funds.

And if Sue is wrong, we'll at least be able to spend our retirement year's together stocking shelves at Wal-Mart.

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